KYN's Guide to Coping With Grief

Losing someone close to you is one of life's most painful experiences. When someone you love dies, it causes intense emotions that can feel overwhelming. Grief is the natural response to the death of someone important in your life. There is no right or wrong way to feel or express your grief – it is different for everyone.

At KYN, we understand that grieving the loss of a loved one while also caring for someone with dementia can be incredibly difficult. Whether your loved one has been living alone, with you or in our palliative care spaces at one of our London care homes, we are here to offer compassionate support during this difficult time.

What Grief May Feel Like:

The feelings caused by grief can vary greatly from person to person, and your connection to the person who has died. Some common emotions include:

• Shock and disbelief
• Intense sadness that may lead to crying spells
• Anger and frustration
• Guilt over things you did or didn't do
• Anxiety about the future
• Fatigue and trouble concentrating
• Loss of appetite or overeating

You may also experience physical symptoms like insomnia, stomach aches, headaches, and muscle tension.

In some cases, complicated grief can lead to withdrawal from everyday activities and connections with friends. Some bereaved people even report feeling suicidal. If you find that you have thoughts of harming yourself, or are unable to function, it's essential that you talk to someone and seek medical assistance from your GP, or other NHS / private medical support.

Understanding the Grieving Process: What are the Stages of Grief?

Grief and loss are complicated states of being, which often involve cycling through various emotional phases, though not necessarily sequentially. Typically, the stages of grief include:

• Denial - This initial shock cushions the immediate blow of loss. Disbelief and numbness help manage overwhelming emotions.
• Anger - You may feel frustration toward the loss and the subsequent drastic life changes it requires. Questioning "why" is common, while assigning blame may temporarily feel protective.
• Bargaining - You might attempt to negotiate or imagine alternatives to current realities. Thinking "what if" helps gain acceptance of unchangeable loss.
• Depression - Sadness and despair peak as the permanence of loss settles in. You can withdraw to focus inwardly on emotional pain and memories.
• Acceptance - The range of emotions begins integrating into a "new normal." You start to feel hopeful again as goals and pleasures are redefined to incorporate the loss.

There is no single "right" way or timeline to grieve. Be patient with yourself and any family members who are also grieving. It's only natural to deal with grief completely differently - so try your best to be understanding when someone dies, even if you feel like it's impacted you the most.

What is Anticipatory Grief? 

Anticipatory grief is a type of grief or loss that you may feel before someone dies. This is a natural response to the expected death of a loved one, and can be particularly common when the person in question is living with dementia, or another condition which can impact their behaviour. You may experience anticipatory grief if your relationship with the person has changed - it is hard to recognise the person they once were or they are no longer physically or mentally with you.

These feelings of grief are, again, completely natural and not every person will feel anticipatory grief. People experience the pain of grief in different ways and there is no wrong way to grieve. It does not mean that you are giving up on the person or love them any less.  And while it can feel just as intense as an actual bereavement, it does not mean that you’ll feel any more or less grief after the person has died.

What is Complicated Grief?

Complicated grief is a specific condition that occurs when acute grief after the death of a loved one persists and prevents someone from resuming their life. Unlike normal grief reactions that gradually become less intense over time, complicated grief is unrelenting in its severity. Complicated grief is much more than simply feeling sad or angry.

Those experiencing complex grief tend to get stuck focusing on the loss and their yearning to be reunited with the deceased. They may dwell obsessively on memories of the person or how they died. Some feel an urgent need to avoid reminders that confirm the reality that their loved one is gone forever.

Others plunge into activities that keep the deceased’s memory alive in an effort to stay connected to them. This prevents them from forming a new identity in the world without that person. Prolonged separation distress can also lead to suicidal thoughts for some grievers.

Additional symptoms of complex grief include:

• Ongoing disbelief about the loved one's death
• Frequent intense pangs of grief and sadness
• Extreme focus on reminders of the person
• Severe emotional pain when encountering loss reminders
• Withdrawal from social activities
• Feeling that life is meaningless without them
• An inability to enjoy life or think back happily on memories

Research shows that people with attachment anxiety or childhood traumas seem most at risk of developing complicated grief. The condition is also more common after unexpected or traumatic losses. However, it can happen to anyone struggling to adapt to a death in a healthy way.

If left untreated, complicated grief can lead to clinical depression, post-traumatic stress disorder, impaired immune system functioning, and serious physical illnesses. By seeking professional help with grief, people with complicated grief can resolve their grief reactions and reengage meaningfully with life.

Coping with Grief and Loss

Grief is a natural response to loss - however, the ability to navigate grief can be incredibly unique from person to person. Navigating grief and supporting any family members in mourning can be aided by incorporating holistic coping strategies:

Pay Tribute to Your Loved One’s Memory

• Share stories and memories - Reminiscing with others fosters a sense of enduring connection. Look at old photos and discuss meaningful moments to process your emotions.
• Plan memorial activities - Holding memorial gatherings, donating to cherished causes, creating commemorative artworks or volunteering in their honour can provide continuity and purpose.
• Let memories uplift - Focus on allowing the enduring gifts and personality of your loved one to live on through you, not just on the loss.

Get Creative

• Write reflectively - Journaling thoughts, drafting eulogies, composing letters to your loved one expressing sentiment, or making lists of their gifts helps articulate grief.
• Use creative outlets - Make memory quilts or collages from clothing and special mementoes. Plant gardens featuring their favourite flowers. Paint, draw or listen to music as expressive therapies.

Reach Out to Others

• Cherish spiritual rituals - Sources of meaning like religious traditions offer time-tested wisdom and comfort for mourners. Light candles, pray, sing songs or consult faith leaders as helpful outlets.
• Join bereavement support groups - Sharing your experience with others working through similar losses often helps. In-person and online grief support groups provide understanding environments.
• Consider counselling - If your grief feels prolonged or immobilising, consulting a professional counsellor can be very beneficial to process your emotions. Don't struggle alone.
• Speak to your GP – If you feel that your grief is unrelenting and you are finding it difficult to manage, speak to your GP. They may be able to offer you access to counselling as well as antidepressant medication which can make an enormous difference to your day to day life.

Focus on Yourself and Your Needs

• Practise good self-care - Make sure to get adequate rest, nutrition and exercise, as grief is physically depleting. Spend time outdoors, breathe deeply and care for your body with compassion.
• Resume gradual routines - As grieving allows, get back into a gentler flow of your routine like work, errands and socialising.

By gently working through grief together through such outlets, families transform hardship into deeper care for one another.

When to Talk to Someone & Get Support to Deal with Grief   

While grief is a normal response to loss, it can become complicated and require professional mental health intervention in some cases. If grieving is significantly impairing your daily function for more than six months, you should consider counselling.

Prolonged, immobilising grief may require medication or therapy to address underlying issues that are blocking normal mourning processes. The loss may also result in Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, especially if it is traumatic or unexpected. In such cases, seek specialised treatment.

Don't hesitate to look for expert help for yourself or family members if grieving remains heavily debilitating over time.

KYN's Specialised Palliative & Dementia Care in London

Here at KYN, we regard supporting both residents and their family members through emotional challenges associated with ageing and loss as a core part of our person-centred approach. Our compassionate palliative and dementia care staff offer a caring presence through significant transitions.

Most importantly, KYN aims to enrich each resident's quality of life so that when loss comes, family members have comfort knowing their loved one felt genuinely fulfilled, valued and at home up to the end.

If you are looking for a residential care home providing exquisite care with emotional sensitivity, contact KYN today at +44 (0) 20 3535 1923 or email enquiries@kyn.co.uk. It would be our privilege to support you or your loved one.